Second Shift Continued

Present time… 

The chapel is filled with people dressed in black.  The lull of sad organ music plays at the front of the chapel, filtering out the whimpering and the sobs from people who admired and loved this man.  It’s standing room only and I’m squeezed shoulder to shoulder between Nick and another gentleman wearing a Boondock Saints t-shirt.  I can tell by his posture he doesn’t want to be here.  Honestly, I don’t know why I’m here either, except to meet my mom for the first time in over twenty years.

My gaze reaches over the sea of heads, straining my eyes to the front row of the chapel.   There are two women sitting near the aisle.  A veiled hat covers one, her blonde hair bundled up beneath.  The other’s blonde hair wisps perfectly down her back and over her shoulders, perfectly straight.  Two younger boys, probably teenagers, sit in their black suits.  Down in front on stage is a shrine devoted to the mayor of Aberdeen, Washington.  A photo of him is surrounded by flowers and candles.  It’s a headshot of him, blonde haired, blue eyes, a carefree smile, with patriotic highlights of him in a red polo shirt with a blue background.  He must’ve been in college when the photo was taken.  This was a man I once called father.  A man who for five years I thought was my father. 

“Are you doing okay?”

A gentle hand cusps mine and a warm shiver climbs up my spine.  I gaze up into Nick’s eyes. 

“Yeah, I’m okay,” I say.

 

A priest approaches the podium and the crowd goes silent.  He begins his sermon and speaks poetically through God about this man, Richard Hanson.  He was a devoted husband and loving father.  He was loved by his congregation as a pastor, and adored by the people in the city as mayor.  If I hadn’t known the truth, I would believe every single word the priest was saying about him.  I just stood there, looking away every time kind words were spoken about my supposed step-father.   It was like a dagger to the heart.  This man who was so good was so cruel to me.  How could he be the same person everyone thought they knew?  Or perhaps, I just never knew the person everyone else knew.

Throughout the sermon, people are open to speak about Richard Hanson, and share their fondest memory.  Co-workers, colleagues, members of commerce all share their stories.  After a firefighter finishes sharing his moving story about how Richard Hanson honored them during the 9/11 attacks in 2001, the woman with long blonde hair sitting the front gets up to speak.    The woman in the hat has yet to get up to say anything.  She wipes her tears with stiff tissue and waits for the younger blonde to speak.

“I miss you dad,” she starts. “You were always there for me.  You taught me how to ride a bike and fish.”

                People in the crowd start sniffling as she talks about her dad.  She speaks of fishing, camping, road trips and college while her dad was alive.  As I stand here, squeezed between the possible love of my life, and some guy with a growing bad odor, a flood of memories come rushing through, with this blonde woman.  Her name is Ashley.  And as I look at her now, I only know her as my half-sister, but she was once my sister.

                I was four years old when my mom had her.  She came home from the hospital and I was happy to have a sister; A possible friend.   We had tea parties, played dress up, fight over the Atari Donkey Kong game and ride our bikes in the driveway during the summer.  We’d have fun at the wading pool and I’d share with her the books I brought home from the school library to read when I was in kindergarten.  Up until Richard Hanson discovered what I was, she and I were close.  She knew what I was before I even understood it.  As a child there is no question or voice of reason as to why something is what it is and why people are what they are.  She accepted me and she loved me for what I was.  Whenever she got sick, I’d keep her spirits up by shifting into her favorite animals.  I’d go through our encyclopedia and pick out animals from the pages and shift into something cool like a monkey or a parrot.  She would always get a kick out of it.  It helped her feel better.                  I don’t even know if she remembers me or if they brain washed her into thinking I was a figment of her imagination. 

               

                When the ceremony is over, everyone is invited to Jolene’s house for the reception.  Her house is perched up on the hillside, overlooking the small town of Aberdeen.  I stand on the back porch, staring off into the distance.  I think about the stories I heard and compare them to my own tragic childhood. 

                I feel a kiss on my neck and a glass of champagne is offered to me. 

                “I thought you could use one,” Nick says to me.  I beam at him.

                “You read my mind.”

                Having Nick here brings me comfort.  With his handsome smile, his soft soothing voice and his tender arms, he is my life raft.

                “You doing okay?” He asks. 

                “I’m fine,” I say.

                “Your step-dad sounds like he was a good guy.”

                I shrug.  I forget that Nick doesn’t know the whole truth.  He only knows that my real dad, Duane, was given custody of me in Astoria, Oregon, because I was having trouble with bullies.  Which is partially true.  Kids did pick on me.  Two kids in particular were Dennis and Sasha Chambers.  Fraternal twins.  Sasha had it out for me from the beginning, before I even went to school.  She would bully me on the playground, throw rocks at me, called me names and even turn the rest of the girls against me.  I had no friends.  Dennis always took my lunch and started the whole cooties rumor. 

                After a while I got tired of being scared and instead I would disappear into the woods during recess and hide out up in the tree as a squirrel or raccoon.  It was my escape from the other kids who just wanted to harm me. 

                “Are you still gonna try to talk to your mom?”

                Nick snaps me out of my memories.  I force a smile at him. 

                “I want to,” I begin to pace back and forth on the porch. “I’m just really nervous.  What if she doesn’t recognize me?”

                “There’s only one way to find out,” Nick says.

                He stops me in my tracks and holds me close by the shoulders. A tremor runs through me with his deep brown eyes gazed upon me.  They’re longing and full of desire.  It’s been a month since Nick and I started seeing one another, but we have yet to consummate our relationship.  Though we both want it.  Every time I look into his eyes I can see the desire burning just as my own desire burns for him.  Every time he touches me or looks at me, that burning desire is unending.  I slither my arms around his shoulders and pull him close.  His gentle lips are soft and comforting.  His gentle, strong hands pull me close as they caress through the fabric of my dress.  He runs his fingers through the tight strands of my bundled hair.  This is all I want right now. 

                “Come on,” he says. “I’ll be right beside you.”   

His gaze captures mine and it calms me.  I nod quickly and he leads me into the house.  The place is crowded and surrounded by people sniffling and talking in a quiet whisper about Mr. Hanson.  It’s difficult to maneuver through the crowd as I hold on tight to Nick’s hand.  I’m searching through the crowd for my mom, but I don’t see her.

                 “Shelly?”

                The sound of my name forces us to stop.  I turn and I see the heavy-set man at the funeral, still wearing the Boondock Saints t-shirt.    He comes stumbling towards me with a large bottle of wine in his hand.

                “I thought that was you..  Damn!  You are looking good!”

                I suddenly feel uncomfortable.  Politely, Nick and I try to sneak away among the crowd, but this man is quick, he’s able to stop us.  He tugs me by the arm.

                “It’s me, Dennis Chambers.  Remember?  From Stevens Elementary?”

                “Wow!” I force myself. “Look at you!”

                His laughter is infectious as he hisses it out.  His chin jiggles and his eyes disappear in the squint of his laughter. 

                “I know,” he jabs me on the shoulder. “I’m still as good looking as I was in high school.”

                I just stand there, at a loss for words.  People are glaring at us as he laughs, looking at us as if we just let off a stink bomb.  This feels like a high school reunion even though I never went to high school with him.

                “Sasha!” He waves across the room. “Look who I found!”

                I look over to see her waving back and pushing her way through the crowd.  I instinctively pull Nick closer to me, he drapes his arm over my shoulder.  Sasha looks the same as she did when we were in kindergarten.  She still has the long brown hair and the snooty look on her face.  She shows up in a black leather jacket, underneath is a laced up tank top with a pair of blue jeans.  She’s holding a glass of champagne and her eyes widen when she sees me.  As if we were long lost friends, she wraps her arms around me.

                “Oh, Shelly, it’s so good to see you!”

                I can’t say anything.  I’m too stunned to even respond.  Without even giving me much more time, Sasha instantly grabs me by the arm and pulls me through the house.

“You know I just saw your mom.  You should totally say hi to her!”

I shake my head in protest, not ready for this now.  I can’t face her.  Not when everyone is already looking at me.  Sasha forces me out of the comfort of Nick’s arm.

“I can’t right now,” I try to fight.

“What do you mean?  She’d be thrilled to see you came!”

I look behind me to see Nick shadowing.  Sasha drags me through this colonial house.  People stop and stare at me, whispering to one another.  Sasha drags me to the dining room where my mom, Jolene, is collecting food on her plate and speaking with the priest. 

“Look who we found Mrs. Hanson?”

Sasha literally shoves me at the throws of my mother.  She looks at me, stunned.  My half-sister, Ashley, is standing next to her in the buffet line, looking between my mother and I with a puzzled look on her face. 

“Shelly?”  My mother says.

Ashley whips her gaze at me, eyes widen, jaw dropped.  Trembling with anxiety I search for my words. 

“M-mom?”

The very word sends a hush throughout the entire house.  People standing in the buffet line stop and stare at me.  I can see the thought bubbles over their heads.  I recognize the priest up close.  A flashback of him sprinkling holy water on me and quoting Bible verses comes to mind.  He’s the one my mom called upon to have me exorcised.  She thought I was processed by a demon because of my ability to shift.  I’m suddenly frightened that they might say something in front of Nick. 

“I thought it’d be nice if the two of you said hi to one another,” Sasha says.

“Thank you Sasha.”

Jolene is very brisk.

“And thank you both for coming to show your support.  Please, have some refreshments.”  Sasha and Dennis pause a moment, as if they are waiting to see what happens before moving out of the dining room. 

I look at Nick.  My eyes are pleading, his sympathetic gaze hovers over me.  I look at my mom.  She’s very stiff and very cold.  Not a single warm smile or any indication that she’s happy to see me.

“Thank you for coming, Shelly.  I appreciate your support.”

“Shelly?” Ashley finally says. “Isn’t she the one that you-“

“Not now Ashley!” Mother hisses.  She looks back at me. “If you will excuse me, Shelly, I have other guests to tend to.”

She swiftly nods her head.

“Come along, Ashley.”

“But it’s Shelly,” Ashley begins.

“Come on!” Jolene demands.  She and Ashley head out of the dining area.  The priest lingers behind, looking at me with that observant gaze before following her lead.  I can feel my heart drop to the pit of my stomach as I remain standing there, frozen with humiliation. 

“That went well, didn’t it?” I say to Nick.

He places a comforting hand on my shoulder.

“Do you want to leave?”

I do want to leave, but the thought of leaving and not having any kind of closure or understanding with my mom would drive me crazy.  I know it! 

“We can stay if you want,” Nick adds.  “Whatever you decide.”

 

The crowd dies down and with just the caterers and the remaining funeral party left, Nick and I sit in the living room as I wait for my chance to finally confront my mother.  She comes traipsing through the livingroom, cleaning up after the guests.  I stand to attention.

“Mom?”

She shoots me a disgruntled look.

“What are you still doing here?”

“I wanted to talk to you.”

She shakes her head at me.

“I have nothing to say to you.”

My lips begin to tremble again, and I can feel my hands shaking. 

“Mrs. Hanson, my name is Nicholas Thorton and I would like to give you my condolences.”

Jolene forces a smile.

“Thank you, young man, I appreciate that.”

“He sounded like a good man.”

She sighs, dropping the garbage bag to her side.

“He was.  The best I’ve ever known in my life.”

She glares at me.

“I won’t let anything ruin that.”

Ashley comes in to see that I’m still here.  She’s lost and confused.

“Mom, what’s going on in here?”

Jolene calms herself.

“Say hello to our guests.  Shelly and Mr. Thorton.”

  Ashley smiles and nods. 

“Yes, Shelly!  I can’t believe it’s you, after all this time!“

She reaches for my hand, but Jolene quickly intervenes.

“If you two don’t mind I would like to speak with Shelly alone, in the office.”

Nick nods, respectfully.

“Of course,” he says.

Jolene leads me to the main foyer and down a narrow hall along the stairs where there’s an office tucked in the back of the house.  It’s a typical office, covered in book cases with a desk in the center with a window behind it.  Jolene takes a seat at her desk.   Her eyes stare up at me.  They’re blue and swollen with emotional pain.  I almost feel sorry for her. 

“Does he know?” She finally says.

I act dumb.

“Does he know what?”

Jolene huffs and sits up in her chair, leaning over the desk.

“Does he know what you are?”

Like I said, I almost feel sorry for her.

“No, he doesn’t know.  What does that matter?”

“You might want to tell him before it’s too late for you too.  Before you are forced to give up a child.”

“You didn’t have to give me up.”

She gets up from her chair, walking around the desk towards me.

“Yes, I did.  You see, I was the pastor’s wife.  A pastor who was running for mayor. I couldn’t risk people finding out what you were; that you weren’t even my husband’s daughter.  They would have started to question the fraternity of Ashley.    I had no choice.”

“So you had to protect your identity,” I say. “I understand that, but you didn’t have to ditch me the way you did.”

I stumble, my voice shaking.  I’m fighting the tears, but I can’t win.

“You didn’t give me a hug, you didn’t kiss me, you didn’t even say good bye.  You just dropped me off in some strange man’s lawn and left.  Do you know how traumatic that was for me? “

Jolene turns away, walking back behind the desk, staring out the window. 

“It was the easiest way to let go.”

“And then I try to reach out to you, but you never replied.  I wrote letters, sent emails and even sent you a friends request on Facebook.  I get nothing.”

There’s a long pause.  Jolene’s breath is shallow and stressed.  I can’t predict what will come.

“I was ashamed of you, that’s why.  Ashamed that I had a monster for a daughter.”

I shake my head, thinking about my life and about how evil I might actually be. 

“I’m no monster, mom.”

“Please do not call me that!” She shouts. “I am not your mother!  I never was!  If anything, having you was a mistake I wish I never made!”

The very words cut me like a knife.  There’s nothing left for me to say or do.  Trembling, my eyes fill with tears.  I burst out of the study and through the foyer and out the door.  I rush to Nick’s car and yank at the car handle, only it’s locked.  I bang on the door, my frustration pouring out.  I find myself crumbling to the defeat of the tears streaming.  I rest my head against the window pane of the car.  It’s cold and it’s smooth.  The shaking is almost uncontrollable.  I haven’t been able to stop it since I got here.  There’s only one way to stop it.  Only one thing will calm it down.  I have to shift.  I need to shift.  I know that I can’t.  I know he will see. 

I feel a hand resting on my back.  It gently caresses me, soothing me.  I turn to face Nick as he hovers over me, looking down at me with those sympathetic eyes.  I melt into him, wrapping my arms around him so tight.  I can feel his hot breath against me, his soft voice soothing me.  It’s almost better than shifting, feeling his arms around me and his heart against mine.  It’s all that I want right now. 

He kisses me gently on the forehead, then on the cheek before our lips touch.  His kiss is tender.

“Let’s get out of here,” he says.